girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Ironic
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.