Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip