girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Storm Tropical Storm
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Very problematic
Worlds greatest photobomb
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?