@Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

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@MableGertrude

I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@WryBry

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

@POTerritory

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

@man_spach

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

@murrman5

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@tsm560

Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.