girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

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I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.


I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.


If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.


Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.


The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.


BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.


[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs


me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it


Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.