Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?