Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I have never related to a cat more

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?