Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

i was baptized in a car wash

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

Husband of the year 😂

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN