Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
When they try to steal your moment.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.