girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You Might Also Like
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.