girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
lmfao come on
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*