@CornOnTheGoblin

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

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@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

@WilliamAder

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

@LukeEMiaPI

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

@theshantilly

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

@Iwriteforcats

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

@Chhapiness

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@HelenMaryMe2

Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*