Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”
J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”