Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download