[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech