@sonictyrant

Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo

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@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@wolfpupy

cat: mew
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.