I fall in love too easily.
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian
Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see
Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*
[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]
Me: This is not what I expected.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.
He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.