@sonictyrant

Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo

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@MissAllison07

When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.

@Marlebean

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@daemonic3

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!