Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.