Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?