Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time