Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol