Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?