[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Cake safety first. Always.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.