Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.