Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
You Might Also Like
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Breaking news:
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.