@MelvinofYork

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

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@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@Hobo_Splendido

Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed

@GorillaNipples1

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@LauraSimis

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.