*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.