girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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sales in 2024:
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it