girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible