Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.