Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.