Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

fired

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.