Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson