Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Wait a second…

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

i was dropped as an adult

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

I love the National Park Service.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan