Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

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[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today