Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

🥴

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.