Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My sex drive has a dui
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Great acting.. 😂
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
absolutely not
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar