Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*