Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway