I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me