@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

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@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

@DadandBuried

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

@JB4Realz

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@ibid78

WHAT DO WE WANT?
The ability to ask different questions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
See this is what we were talking about

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@House_Feminist

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@karanbirtinna

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?