Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?