Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

#StillHurts

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Investing in beetcoin

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy