Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.