Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”