Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*weighs self after shaving
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.