Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.