Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.