Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly