Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
We have a winner.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL