Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you are just born a rebel

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

when a toddler tells a story

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

when dads have a rap battle

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.