Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!