Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.