Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
nature’s most graceful animal
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.