Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”