Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

the simulation is moving too fast

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.