Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.