Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Every time.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.