Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
britain’s three elite institutions
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield