My kitchen overserved me.
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery