Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?