girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

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HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple


Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth


Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.


Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?


Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.


One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.


NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”