girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone