me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*