Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head

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My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.


Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective


The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.


*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*


[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island