My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
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Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
There’s plenty of trash in the sea.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*
*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island