Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

you stereotypes are all alike

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)