Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.