[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!