Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.