Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?