Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
