Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy