Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.