Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Most fashion shows these days…