@delome10

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

@KissabiX

[creating a sloth]

God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink

@ZoeeSom

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

@TheAlexP

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

@Darlainky

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@itsa_talia

my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.