wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[creating a sloth]
God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.