girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
