girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
