Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Lmao
Every work call, he judges.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
not to brag, but mine was free
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom